Sidaki

Monday, November 28, 2005

De – Mock – racy

The referendum came, went and Kenya emerged on the other side with a much leaner government (LOL). I can’t help wondering how much we have saved in the last week with these Minister posts empty. The fuel, the allowances, the salaries… it must be staggering. I actually tend to think that if we last one more month without ministers, then Kenya might be the first country in Africa with a budget surplus (LOL).

Kudos to Kenyans for turning up, voting and resisting the urge to pummel the other side, who were too stupid to read the constitution and voted on tribal lines (LOL). To the irresponsible media and local busy bodies who had predicted doom all I can say is, HA!

Democracy has been described by some as the mob mentality that usurps God’s right to appoint Kings (LOL). The wikipedia (the web dictionary) says Democracy in its ideal sense is the notion that the people should have the right to lead themselves.

This brings me to certain MPs who voted contrary to their constituencies. An MP is also a Kenyan (unfortunately) and he/she is entitled to an opinion. However, I believe, once you become a member of parliament, you forfeit your personal opinions and you are now nothing but a vessel to transmit to parliament the wishes of your constituents. That is the only reason the parliament can also be referred to as the House of Representatives. If we allowed ourselves to elect people who go to parliament then vote on issues according to their wishes then the parliament should be referred to as the House of pontificating bastards.

The problem with our MPs is that they believe that Democracy is about doing what they think is right. No doubt as an MP you have the right to try and convince your constituents that a particular course of action is best for them but if they rebuff you, then the onus is on you to fulfill their wishes. This is what is meant by leaders actually being servants.

I watched Showdown on the Wednesday after the referendum and I was appalled at Mirugi Kariuki’s attempts to trivialize a very disturbing trend that the referendum has brought to light. If you as an MP took a public position that has turned out to be contrary to the opinion held by your constituents, then I believe that you must seek a fresh mandate because you are clearly not representing them and this applies to both sides.

If I elect you to parliament, I expect you to go there and reflect my wishes. I do not care if you are a Nobel laureate, a holder of a PhD in economics or a Doctor. If we as constituents tell you that female circumcision is an age old and treasured tradition, then I expect your candy ass to go parliament and say so. If you cannot, quit.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

CAVEAT EMPTOR

Groan if you have a girlfriend.
Yeah, I feel you.
Those of you who have not groaned either do not have girl friends or are in the initial stages where everything is rosy and she still hasn’t asked for money to go do her hair.

“But,” I hear you argue, “There are many old couples around. Surely they can’t be all wrong.” All I can say to that is that they groaned along with the rest of us. If you have had a steady girl friend for more than two days, you know exactly what I mean, especially in these days of Sambaza©.

My whole life I have been something of a loner. Lots of friends but actually very few friends if you know what I mean and so to finally meet a lady (we’ll call her that for now) who actually liked me was as monumental as the introduction of the first mid-engined, rear wheel rive sports car by Lamborghini, or to come closer to home, the introduction of the first FM stations.

Anyway, she was/is a looker (L as in Looker) and I suppose that's why I got drawn in. To say she had a face that could launch a thousand ships to burn down Troy would be gilding the lily a bit, but it could launch maybe fifty to a hundred ships. I forgot the wise words of Magneto in X-Men when he said 'Never trust a beautifull woman, especially one interested in you.' To cut a rather long, sad story short, she was not interested in me but in the money she thought I had(emphasis on thought).

I had to end it when she made it clear that If I did not buy her a phone, she would leave me. The conversation went something like this.

She: Baby, have you got me the phone yet?

Me: I have decided not to get you the phone because I believe you are using me and I feel that you consider me nothing but a walking wallet.

She: (sneering) just say you couldn't afford the phone I wanted. You cheapskate.

Me: Actually, if I did have the phone, I would give it to you but not in the way you expect. I would begin by shoving it up ....

(I went on for about 5 minutes about phones and anatomy and how the two could actually be put together quite nicely. Her face went from a very light brown to a healthy, race-car red)

She: (screaming) Get out! Get Out! Get out!

Me: (Also screaming) Fine! I'm gone. Bitch! (I stormed out)

Me:(Storming back in and pointing a finger at her) And by the way, the Sex was terrible!

She: We didn't have any sex, idiot.(shouting)

Me: Exactly!(Stormed out for good)


Those who know me will attest to the fact that I can be infuriatingly practical, especially in a situation where pragmatism would be considered bad taste. Thus, when it comes to women and money, I can be extremely accomodating. I mean, women have needs and not all of them have or can get jobs. A bitch has to eat is what I'm trying to say and if the only way for her get food is to scrounge off some guy, then it's cool with me. Upto a point.

The thing is both parties have to be aware of the salient facts abouth their relationship. There should be quid pro quo. The problem is that in most of these situations, the quid is there but the pro is gone. It is exactly because of this that I believe it is much better to go for a prostitute than stay with a lady who just wants you for your money. Most of you are going to argue that there is no difference but there is. You can only tell once you have been in.

You see, with a hooker, the scale is linear. If you pay KShs 200 for X, then if you pay KShs 400 then you get 2X (barring inflation and other whatnots). The simplicity and predictability is the attraction. The problem with this other type is that their charge scales are not linear. They do not follow any progressions, Arithmetic or Geometric, they are formed purely on whim which as we know is dependent on other fickle parameters like weather, color of dress, etc.

The cruelty of these women is amazing. They charge you for their company( the currency is usually pizza and lately coffee at Dorman's or Java) and then still expect you to be charming and witty and all those other things. If I'm paying for your company, why don't you be charming and witty and let me sit here and eat. Bitch.